"Mau ke mana? Mau ke mana? Heiiiiiiii mbak, mau ke mana??"
Welcome to my how-to on riding the bus in Indonesia! If you ever find yourself off a 26+ hour flight from the States, stepping out in the hot, humid Indonesian air, looking to get to my site or another destination while spending the equivalent of $3.00 and courting death, this is the right transport for you! Taking the bus is the primary way to get from city to city here, and after four months at site, I can say that I’ve become somewhat of a pro (not really, not at all). Riding these things is a literal and figurative roller coaster ride, so buckle up! Or, don’t. There aren’t any seatbelts and you’ll probably be standing the entire time.
First, you gotta know where you're going. For me, that’s either east, to Surabaya, west, to Nganjuk or Madiun, or south, to Kediri. Okay, cool. But make sure you know if the bus stops at your stop. As you’re hoisting yourself up onto to bus, confirm with the door man by just yelling your town or stop… if he shoves you into the crowded bus, that means yes. Next, decide what bus you’re going to take. There’s different options according to price and amenities. By amenities, I mean you’re either on a biasa bus that makes many stops in each city, is crowded (because they need to fill them up to make money) and cheap. An hour ride from my site to Kediri equals 40 cents, or 6,000 Indonesian rupiah. Then you have the fancier buses that go on the highway and have AC and less people. When you flag down your bus at the your stop, or find it rolling into the terminal at aggressive speeds, get your bag ready and prepared to board it in less than three seconds, sometimes they don’t come to a complete stop. Squeeze through the crowd of people either getting on or off. Be polite, but also you better get on that bus before other people do, maybe even throw a couple punches if you have to, or you’ll be waiting in the terminal for another forty minutes cursing the Indonesian bus system and all the people involved, and it’ll probably start raining and you’ll have probably forgotten your umbrella, and then there will be people asking you where you’re going and where you’re from and taking photos of you. Pretty much, get on the damn bus, fast.
Once you’re on the bus, it’s literally the farthest from smooth sailing, like whoever invented that phrase needs to get on a bus in Java. What’s the opposite of smooth sailing? Chances are, the bus will be too crowded for you to find a seat. That means standing in the aisle, holding on for dear life and hoping the driver doesn’t stop short, or sitting in the cushioned area between the door and the driver. Being seatless is common, but it’ll make your day when an Indonesian offers you theirs because they’re gettin off at the next stop, which happens often. Be okay with people staring at you, be okay with having your butt in someone’s face because they refuse to get up from their seat when you’re trying to get out, be okay with an ibu putting her hand on your thigh when she’s asking you a question, be okay with your toes getting stepped on, be okay feeling squeezed by the person next to you, be okay with going 60 miles per hour in the opposite lane, be okay with feeling like the bus might tip over on any turn. Don’t be okay with people that make you uncomfortable or unsafe, don’t feel obligated to talk to anyone or explain yourself, and don’t be okay with harassment.
Prepare your bahasa Indonesia skills with the basics: where you’re from, where you’re going, yes, you can speak bahasa, how long you’ve been here, what’s your sign, if you’ve eaten today, if you’re single, what your social security number is, etc. Practice your “Wooooooow that’s expensive, sir” when the ticket man charges you foreigner prices, also known as the bule tax. Ask your neighbor how much it should cost, or know how much it is before you get on.
Never revolve your schedule around the bus, if you think it’ll take you two hours to get home, add another hour. When vendors hand out items to be bought, it’s not a gift, it’s for you to check it out and see if you’re interested and wanna make the full commitment of buying the 2,000 rupiah bag of boiled peanuts. Don’t get annoyed when the AC unit doesn’t stop dripping on you, it’s your fault you chose to sit there. Bring a plastic bag in case you vomit from the bus driver swerving through traffic. Bring a sweater or jacket for when the bus is 65 degrees. Have your phone out and ready to text other volunteers about the ride so far, starting it with “I’m on the bus right now and…”
In all seriousness, the bus is not that bad at all, this was just used for some comic relief.